It's taken two glasses of wine to get this far.
I haven't posted for awhile because Mike was diagnosed with cancer in August and we've been working hard to fight it with chemotherapy and a positive attitude.
Sadly, the cancer advanced quickly. My husband passed away in the early hours of Monday morning. He went peacefully in his sleep with family around him, which was a blessing.
I'm lost and broken and I miss him terribly.
The shoot season has to go on. I began filling in as Head Keeper when Mike got too poorly to come out. But I had his guidance and experience to help me. Now I'm on my own with two inexperienced young lads, who themselves need guidance. I put Mike's tweeds on and do my best to run the day, manage the clients. and support the underkeepers. Mike always joked that I was his longest serving apprentice, but it feels almost impossible to go on without him.
This winter is going to be the longest and the hardest to endure.
The livestock and the dogs give me a reason to get off the couch, and I'm comforted being around them. Even that damn goat who still keeps getting his head stuck in the fence.
Mike and I were in the process of buying a farm together. I don't know exactly what the future holds but we will still have our farm together, me in practice and him in spirit.
There's a lot of grieving ahead. Those of us left behind have to figure out how to go on. I will write more when I can, when the grief allows me to see a way out of this.
Keep us all in your thoughts.
36 comments:
My dear Jennifer, you know I have followed your blog for many years but probably never fully expressed my admiration for the way you and Mike worked, your obvious love for each other and your animals, and for the life you built. For that ommision I apologise, and I hope I will not be so inadequate in expressing my condolences and deep, deep sadness to read this post.
Thinking of you, sending whatever strength and goodness that can be trasmitted through the ether.
Hi Jennifer, I’m so very very sorry for your loss. I am just an anonymous stranger who discovered your delightful blog a few years ago, so I feel a bit odd saying I will miss Mike greatly and that my heart hurts for you since I don’t know you guys in real life... but there you go. I’m sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks. I wish I had more to offer you than typed words sent from a stranger. In my family, we would feed you and smother you with attention and insist you take restorative walks outside in the bright sunshine. It now occurs to me that your lovely dogs would be very good at these things. Thank goodness for animals. Sending love and light from across the ocean, Maddie
In my thoughts and prayers x
My heart goes out to you, I, too, have lost my life partner and miss him everyday. My advise would be to keep up the activities you enjoyed together and feel his spirit near you as you do. Be kind to yourself and ask for what you need. Best wishes, A friend in the States
Jennifer, I'm so very sorry. I can't even begin to imagine....
I know we've never met, but I've read your blog for years, and something which always came across for me is how you and Mike were so happy together, such a tight unit. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending many virtual hugs.
Gen, My heart goes out to you. I went through this sort of shock with my wife, Patti, who you knew through your writing and our mutual love of Flatcoats. While I know the pain is real, I can tell you that for me, and I suspect for many, support from family and friends combined with treasured memories and time eased the pain. There is no schedule, no right way to grieve. If a conversation with me would help, I'm happy to share my experiences, knowing that they aren't yours, but they may be useful.
I've read your blog for many years and loved your descriptions of country life. I've never commented before but I always admired your dry sense of humour and obvious love for animals and Mike and the way of life you'd chosen. When you told the story of Mike's accident I thought that was enough suffering for you both to bear, and now this. The world seems very unfair at times and my heart goes out to you. Stay strong, and know that there is a band of
silent readers out there sending love and good thought your way.
So very sorry to hear of your loss.
I am so sorry to hear this. You have given your readers a great picture of Mike; his passion for his work, his kindness, your partnership. While I don't 'know' you, I hope that my sympathies and prayers for you will help in some sort of way.
I am so sorry, Jen. I’m lost for words but please know that I’m sending you good thoughts, love and all the strength I can muster to you.
KJ
Hiya I'm Beverley and Pete's dunne daughter (uncle pete as mike used to call him.) He came beating when u was at mapperton. They have just had a call and completely devastated for you all. Mike was such a kind hearted and dad has many memories on the shoots.they send there love to u all xxxx
condolences and peace.
Dear Jennifer, my heart is breaking for you. Although I only know you virtually, my tears for you and Mike are real. From the bottom of the world, I hold you both in my heart. I echo the sentiments of Joe, Jayne, Maria and Poppypatchwork above. Know you are in our thoughts and prayers. My most heartfelt condolences. Much love, Brenniexx
I am so so sorry to read this Jennifer. I am a gamekeeper's wife and have admired how you get stuck in and work so hard together. You will be in my thoughts, much love to you xxx
So sorry to read this Jennifer. I am a Gamekeeper's wife and have admired how you get stuck in and work so hard. You will be in my thoughts, much love xxx
My heart is with you, along with sincere condolences. I have followed your blog for years and always enjoyed learning about the life of a Keeper. Sending you love, light, breath, and happy memories. Wish I could do more.
Oh Jenn, I’m so very sorry. Your stories of your journey with Mike and all the creatures has brightened my own sad days for years now. Please know that he remains with you and I’m sure is proud of how you soldier on, as bleak as I’m sure that is. My ‘little’ sister died in January 2019 and grief has become my constant companion. Through these past 11 months I’ve come to understand that death truly is a part of daily life and the ‘departed’ watch us and mind us in ways that surprise and comfort. Please know that I pray for you and the creatures. I wish we weren’t an ocean apart. If I were nearer, I would rub your feet and make you spicy food. Much love from Alaska.
I'm so sorry. I've followed you for years, through your many moves and animal adventures, always in awe of your work ethic and ability to get the jobS done. You'll continue doing so, certainly, but it will be so different. selfishly, I hope you all still drop in from time to time and tell us what's going on there. In the meanwhile, know that there's someone in Delaware thinking of you and wishing you continued fortitude.
Oh Jen. I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry doesn't seem adequate enough. It feels like a punch in the gut. This is not the news I was expecting. Neither were you. You will be in my thoughts. I'm glad you have your farm, your work, the dogs, and the animals to keep you up off that couch, but please take the time you need to grieve and mourn too. We're here if you need anything. Again I'm sorry for my inadequacy of words.
xoxo
Dear Jen, What devastating news. A terrible and massively unfair loss. I’m so very, very sorry - sending you love.
Oh Jenn, words fail me, I cannot express my profound sorrow for your loss; my desire to lend comfort and support from afar. Through you and your engaging blog we've come to know and love both of you. Just know that if there is ever anything I/we can do as your life morphs into something different, let us know. We share your grief and hope for your future. *hugs* Kris
I am so sorry to read about your loss.
Jen, I am so sorry to hear your news. Mike was such a character and loved by all that met him. Our love to you, you are in our thoughts from myself, Bridget, John and all at John Brights xx
I am so sorry for your loss. That is such a shock. I hope that you have a strong support system around you near and afar. Lots of love and healing vibes your way.
What a shock! I am so sorry.
I am so sorry. Offering love and light seems like hardly enough.
My condolences.I have been reading you life for a few yr now and love your adventures.
I regret you have to do this now alone. barb
Oh my goodness. I hope you find peace this season, and may his memory bring happiness. Thank you for updating us.
It was an honor to know Mike.
Hold The Line.
Andy Moore ex mapperton / puncknowle beater
I am so, so sorry to hear this. I've been following along with your life here for years and this is such a shock. I wish there was something I could say or offer to help. Heartbroken for you.
I too have been a pretty silent reader, catching up at intervals and loving to see your lives through your words and pictures. Am so shocked and sad for you. May you find the strength you need to go forward, to whatever the future holds. May the turning of the year bring healing for you.
Jenn, I cannot imagine how horrid your days must be. The holidays are somehow more difficult even without our losses but this year is perhaps the worst — and my husband is with me. Please know that you are in my prayers. I’m so thankful that you have Miss Betty and the rest of the tribe to mind you. Sending love from Alaska — Janice
I'm so sorry. You are not alone, you are indeed in our thoughts. Thank you for all you've shared over the years.
Dear Jenn, Sending you warmth and love at Christmas. God bless.... Kris
I’ve been enjoying your blog for many years now. As I’m sure others did, I read with envy your many adventures, living such an interesting life that seemed right out of a novel. Please know that as we shared in your joys and many triumphs, we now equally share your sorrow. I’m so sorry that Fate dealt you both such a cruel card. I wish you the strength to bear such a blow, and hope that you can again come to find peace. With the deepest condolences, a friend unknown.
Jen-
It's been ages since I last looked at anything blog related and I am just reading this. I am very saddened to hear of Mike's passing and hope that you are getting on despite it. It's been so long since it happened and I don't know what to say at this point, but know that you're in my thoughts today.
Post a Comment